2020; the year that came to mold.

Dear 2020,

I’m getting ready to bring in the new year, and I just thought I would say Thank You. Thank you for being - in every way - exactly what I wanted and needed. Thank you for being the epitome of growth. The growth I had been blabbering on and on about but had no idea how to get to. Thank you for being a beautiful pause. A pause I thoroughly desired but had no idea if possible. Thank you for holding everything apart, and stopping time, so it wouldn’t crush me. Like a dam on a large, violent river. Thank you for keeping me, covering me, protecting me, and enveloping me with sweet and tender love from those whose hearts were set for me. I have never grown to appreciate myself and love myself as I do now. <3 You really bloomed me, like a flower. I am so grateful to God!

2019 left me shattered and in pieces. In ways I don’t think I was mature and sober enough to realize. And the problem was the fact that, from the outside, I looked like I was just alright. Maybe moody - but perhaps because “I was working so hard”. I would wake up at 5am, have a long day of schoolwork, find time to work and pay my bills, maybe afford school while at it, balance a life with my family, and attempt a social life somewhere in there. I had never seen confusion like what I saw that year. I had never felt as empty as I did. Working so hard, and getting nothing out of it. Don’t get me wrong, all my bills were always paid. And so were my school fees. And my GPA is still at a 4.0. But there was no joy, nor peace, nor righteousness through it all. I look back, and I honestly don’t know how I made it through.

I got laid off at my job. School was as expensive as any fashion course would be. Finances looked like a joke. I did not feel safe and cared for emotionally. I was struggling in my walk of faith (struggling to know how to hear God and trust in Him as I did before). Mentally, I was all over the place, worried about everything, overthinking, and doubting all the time. Let’s not even touch on my psychological state. I really felt stretched and I just needed the world to stop for a second so I could catch a breath. I couldn’t put up my tough front anymore. And I didn’t know how to ask for help. The people I thought would understand, actually didn’t. And my feeble attempts to silently cry for help fell on deaf ears. I needed time for me. Not some senseless moment of selfishness. But, really, I needed me back. And I needed people that saw and understood that.

By the time 2020 approached, I was tired. Tired of it all and was not afraid to lose anything anymore. I was right on the edge of my sanity and I thought to myself, “well, I’m ready to let go now. So I can just focus on myself.”

I remember telling God, “You know me better than anyone else does. You know me better than my mother. My brother. My lover. My friend. I have never willingly trusted You fully with every single detail about my life without fear. For my sake, make sure that all the strings that need to be cut are cut, at all costs. Because if you let me do it, I won’t let go of some things (and people). Force me to choose me. If not for my sake, then for the sake of my future family. And for where I want to go, and to be.”

*Insert dramatic sound effects here.* BUT GOD!

When I tell you, literally, every single thing aligned… I was baffled. Gobsmacked! I sat as people fell off from my life, one by one. I watched as others finally found a reason to leave. And I had to walk away from others. It was heartbreaking. But I knew I had to go through it. I didn’t want to fight it. Not anymore. I saw others walk in. And the ones that were always there, they stood even firmer. With tough hands to hold me up and embrace me. I watched as all the weird energy got sapped out, and things began to be clear again. I thought maybe God will take His sweet time as He starts to address everything in me and around me. Maybe a few years until I get my life back to how I need it to be.

Not even a week later, He had started to confront everything that wasn’t right in my life. My poor ego died right there and then. I learnt how to receive an apology that was never given. I learnt how to forgive people. How to forgive myself. I learnt how to be a peace-maker. To choose peace. And apologize whether I was wrong or not. Take the higher road and send people off in peace. “Be the bigger person” is what we always say. I knew that took God. Because, me and all my pride, would not have let me apologize knowing that I was dealing with “not so perfect” people. It was sucky too, I’ll admit. I remember telling God, “I’m the one that’s hurting. Why are you telling me about others??” But I know it was because He saved a beautiful work for last. He addressed others first to take them out of the way. He properly shut those doors so I wouldn’t open them once again. He, then, focused on me.

I look back and I realize that while that was uncomfortable, it was something someone would want in someone else, right? Someone that knows how to say sorry even if they are not at fault. To put their pride aside, for the sake of others - whether you love them or not. I looked up, smiled to myself and thought, “Touché, God. You’re making me into who You want me to be (with). A humble person. Who’s actions are led by You.”

Day by day, I would take the time to seek God and really listen to Him. I could feel the joy I had always missed sipping in. And the peace. And the righteousness. The awareness that I was at the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing, for the right reason became more evident. God took care of my heart. He nurtured it. He healed it. I was so scared. I thought He only cared about the big things. Like miracles and stuff. But He reminded me, that every little thing - even about my hair - matters to Him. I even had bald patches because of stress (yes, that was 2019 for me). My hair grew out beautifully this year. No bald spots. None. Oh, the confidence that comes in knowing that I am well cared for. Everyone around me could tell. It’s almost creepy now. There’s a sense of security and esteem that nothing can take away from me. And with it, I command my day and speak life into myself each day.

THIS is what I needed.

Everything else literally fell into place from there. One by one. My family couldn’t help but talk about it all year. “You look so happy”, “I can tell you have so much peace”, “I had thought we lost you, but this year, it’s like we got you back”, “It’s like God took out all the bad things from your life and tossed it elsewhere wherever it came from”, “I know your God is real. I don’t even believe your life right now”. Sheesh! Me neither! I did not see this coming!

While people lost jobs, I got two. And a pretty decent pay. And such a flexible schedule, I’m barely ever tired. I got blessed with colleagues that are literally like a family to me. They care so much and so well. I love them. We love what we do - and are so good at it too! Both my managers are the most kind-hearted and understanding people anyone would love to work for and with. The environments at work are healthy and uplifting. Im almost always too happy to go to work. My bosses would always say “people tend to fake-it-till-you-make-it. But I don’t do fake people. So, I say face-it-till-you-make-it.” Nick and Randy. Y’all, if that’s not a sign, what is?

People went into debt. Economies crushed. Businesses shut down one by one. People filed for bankruptcy. Others lost a means of earning a living. No one knew what was going on. People’s hopes and futures got snatched from them. I was getting out of debt. And setting myself up onto a favorable start financially.

People lost loved ones. For one reason or another. From diseases, the pandemic, natural disasters, you name it. All of my loved ones were safe and sound. Every head in my family has been preserved and I have been made aware of their presence and value too.

People felt the sting of loneliness. The weariness of seclusion. And were forced to either face themselves or figure out ways to cope. From alcohol, to toxic/unnecessary relationships, to whatever that would take their minds off. Believe me, whatever one did to stay afloat, I don’t blame them. I am just glad people made it to the end of the 2020 tunnel. I have never felt so at ease with myself. Genuinely enjoyed my company. I chose to focus on the growth that was already going on, and from it, learnt to appreciate myself. I can’t count the number if times I said no to dates - because I wanted to spend time with myself. Lol, really? Who does that? I took care of myself and learnt how to listen and communicate with myself. How to believe in me. How to speak life back to me. How to think life-bearing thoughts about me. And that literally unravelled me. I saw myself grow - like how you watch a child grow right before your very eyes. And I couldn’t be more happier. I had yearned for this place of stability within, and I finally found it. I know it’s just the beginning.

I grew in all my spheres. Literally. Emotionally, psychologically, mentally, spiritually, financially, morally and physically. No, really, my body responded so well. I feel healthier. The air feels more crisp and it goes deeeeeeep into my lungs when I breathe. I enjoy the sun so much when it hits my face during my morning walks. It’s gotten colder so I haven’t rode my bike around the neighborhood in a little bit. And the cherry on the cake is the fact that I am able to breathe and rest easy each day and night. No worries at the back of my mind. When I have company, I am able to enjoy their presence, and I am actually present and able to give of myself and my attention - rather than worry about what needs to be done or taken care of.

For the love of potatoes, if I ate taters more than 5 times in a month - please know I was stress-eating. I know that now. I used to think, I just really love potatoes, that’s all. And that cravings are fine. lol. That was all year, 2019. Stress-eating. Stress-sweating. And my cluttered mind was manifesting. Started with my car. And it got to my room too. It was a mess. And I hate mess. And I had to live with that for a second, because I knew I needed to declutter my insides first. It was frustrating, to say the least. I had never seen myself in that light. And not only did I feel vulnerable, I also felt alone. Like people saw me, but only for what they could see, not what was actually going on. On the contrary, 2020 has seen me align so many things in my life. What clutter? Lol. My mind is clearer. My conscience too. I have a peace that’s not tied to anything or anyone. I can’t help but breathe life into things and people.

I’m not traumatized by the thought of getting to the next stage in life while I’m not ready. My growth finally found me. I don’t have to be scared and bail out of things anymore. And, most importantly, I love me so much.

…sounds like a narcissistic rant, doesn’t it?

Ha! Got ‘em!

I really, actually, genuinely love myself. And this gets to be the foundation to have, to love others. Especially my little ones I can’t wait to see someday.

If you took the time to get to the bottom of this page; thank you.

Don’t be afraid to go down that scary road. The one that will have you feeling scared and alone. It only feels that way because you don’t know what’s on the other end of it. It’s a beautiful journey, one that is worth taking. You’re every bit worthy of it. You deserve to enjoy you and be proud of yourself. And give yourself something not even you can take away from yourself. It makes you love loving yourself. And it’s a win-win too. If you love yourself well, then those around you will enjoy you as you love yourself, and love them too.

So, xoxo 2020.

I pray that all that happens in 2021 is a fruit of all the seeds I planted in 2020.

Cheers to bigger and better, always!

<3